*UPDATE ON THE TRAINING*

I sprained my ankle earlier running in place, so I'm on the DL. We'll have to put off the training until next week. But don't worry, I'm going to spend the week resting up really good so I'll be ready to go first thing come Monday morning! For now, I've just got to put my feet up.

I'll keep you updated with further progress from the training grounds!

OPEN TRYOUTS?

OK, so the Chicago Fire are holding OPEN TRYOUTS this December. Who wants to help me train? This could be a real Rocky sort of moment for us. I'm old, over the hill, past my prime, out of shape, and I've passed by all previous, more realistic chances at any kind of semblance of success. Now I'm just some jobless schmoe with a dream of playing professional soccer in Chicago. And it is my dream! Come on, people! Who wants to be my Mickey? Once I make the club I'll buy a sports car, a nice little house, and a black jacket with a tiger on it. And I'll get something nice for you, too. Let's get started, we have less than a month! I'm doing push-ups right now while writing this! I'm so ready! I need a fuckin' job!

YES, I'M OBSESSED

This is stupid, but I actually found myself in a Chicago Fire vid. If you pause this at exactly 13seconds you can find me at the very bottom right hand corner-- I am the very blurry white guy in black standing next to someone in a very blurry grey 3piece suit, second row. You'd also need to make it full screen to see it. So it goes! Told you this was stupid.

Besides that, this is in reference to the picture of me under the red tarp thing in an earlier post. This is the first time I have gotten to see exactly what I pulled over my head there before the game.

Also, wait for the flares to light up. It's kind of nuts.

God bless Section 8.

INSTANT #1 FAN

I found a rad soccer shop way out in west Chicago, and lucky for me, they just happed to be having a sale on Chicago Fire jerseys today. I present to you the Chicago Fire's #1 fan:

Bringing you #1 fandom all the way since last Saturday.

A striking ensemble of jersey and Fire scarf.

Doing the robot.

THIS IS WHAT CHICAGO FIRE SOCCER IS LIKE

This is a youtuber's vid from last Saturday's game. The crowd at the game was fucking awesome. I was sitting down and to the right of the flares.

THE FIRE WIN, 2-0

Hello, my name is Logan Ryan Smith, and I am the Chicago Fire's #1 Fan. "Uh, how many Chicago Fire games have you watched?" you may be asking. And to that I answer, "FUCK YOU! Stay outta my fuckin' business. For FUCK'S SAKE! Won't you fucking people ever just fuckin' leave me alone? Get off my fucking back!"

But, besides saying that, I will answer. And the answer is: 4-- I think. I've seen 3 on the TV and the one last night at Toyota Park, way out in the middle of Fucking Nowhere, IL. But, despite the near 2hour mass transit commute to the place the game, the sights, the sounds, the smell of the grass, and the win was something else. Soccer is a vastly under-appreciated sport in this country. The game is a thing of beauty, but it requires attention and patience, and so it gets no love. So it goes.

And I'm beginning to learn that Major League Soccer is not as inferior a soccer league as one would assume. Of course it's not the English Premier League, but the quality of play is still very high.

And the Chicago Fire played a great game of soccer in the second leg of their playoff against the New England Revolution last night. And because they won 2-0 (taking the advantage in goals scored in the 2game playoff) they advance to the Eastern Conference Finals (which is a one-game playoff). And I will be attending that also.

And when the Fire beat Real Salt Lake next Saturday, they will advance to the MLS Cup that'll be held in Seattle this year. And then I'll have a reason to go to some pub and drink and hoot and holler with the locals-- which I am also, sort of, now, I guess. A local, that is.

And, no, I don't need a reason to hoot and holler and drink. But I'll take 'em where I can get 'em.

The other reason I love the Chicago Fire, despite the huge pain in the ass it is to get to their stadium? It's the $10 playoff tickets. Holy shit, it doesn't get much better than that. Nothing I love better than value. Because I'm a miser. That means I'm cheap, people. Cheap.

Cheap and easy.

Moving on!

So, yes, I am the Chicago Fire's newest #1 Fan, dethroning whatever douchebag had it before me. Here's some pictures for yr enjoyment of my enjoyment (I was at field level, for fuck's sake).

GARY NUMAN -- I DIE: YOU DIE

This is not love
This is not even worth a point of view
In Echo Park, I
Pause for effect and whisper 'who are you?'

They crawl out of their holes for me
And I die: You die
Hear them laugh, watch them turn on me
And I die: You die
See my scars, they call me such things
Tear me, tear me, tear me

Now I have your names
Screaming 'you will suffer' and 'you're all too late'
Now I feel young
Does everything stop when the old TAPE fails?

They crawl out of their holes for me
And I die: You die
Hear them laugh, watch them turn on me
And I die: You die
See my scars, they call me such things
Tear me, tear me, tear me


But I'm still frightened by the telephone

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU SAY ON THE INTERNETS...

So, I've been called out before on things I've said on the internet, as I do sometimes say reactionary, in-the-moment stuff. But THIS was particularly interesting. The comment stream was also surprising.

I just found it because I, yes-- I Googled myself. Sue me. But I only Googled myself because I am a terrible note-keeper and I needed to know where I'd placed some work.

Unlike all the other times I Google myself just to see my name in fantastic Internet lighting.

For the record, Goodreads.com is a networking site, and you shouldn't feel the need to call anyone out on what they say on there any more than what someone might say on Facebook. Why do you gotta get yr knickers in a knot? Sure as hell ain't no need to drag my name thru the mud, or make outlandish assumptions.

Also, for the record, I like Marilyn Manson. Shit.

THE SINGERS & THE NOTES

I just got my first copies of my book, THE SINGERS & THE NOTES. This is a second version/ re-release of The Singers, with it's complimentary book, The Notes. It's bigger, badder, and better than ever. I'm very pleased with this edition, and am excited, once again, to get my other books out there, after a prolonged period of indifference. So, get ready to be slammed by an overexposed LRS. I've got, like, 20 books just waiting to assault yr senses. Actually, I only have 3 other books, but I'll probably try to get them all out as quickly as possible.

Anyway, I know that most of you that know me already have the first edition of the book, and probably are not inclined to lay down the hefty $15 to get those extra 30 pages of THE NOTES and sleek new cover design and layout. So, if you would like to get a copy of this, let me know, and I can get the book for you at my discounted price, which is something like $9 or so. You can just paypal the money to me and I'll place the order for you.

OCTOBER-MOVIE MOVIE REVIEWS!!!

So, I heard all the hooplah based around this very small budget horror flick and how it's making billions of dollars in its first weekend, so I thought I'd check it out.

This is another one of those movies that's done in faux-documentary style, where the characters film everything themselves, despite whatever scary shit is happening around them where, really, they should only be concerned with saving their own lives rather than "getting the shot". But, I guess even tho this format is meant to make the movie feel even more real, that's just something you have to get over with the whole suspension of disbelief thing.

Anyway, for the most part, this movie freaked me out. I was watching it in my creaky, empty, echo-y apartment all by my lonesome, and I did feel the need to turn the lights up around halfway thru PARANORMAL ACTIVITY (which has to be one of the laziest movie titles of all time).

Basically this is a really, really simple movie. It's just a haunted house flick, with next to no special affects, and no actual visible bad guy. I just finished watching this movie, but some things about it are starting to rub me the wrong way. The ending was terrible and forced, for one. And, really, there was no story, and they used the same tricks over and over and over again.

But the point is, I'm a grown-ass man and I was getting a little freaked out watching this movie. Actually, I'm kind of glad the ending was so bad, because it lightened my freaked-out-ness, and now I don't have to try to go to bed with the lights on in the entire apartment.

So, what did PARANORMAL ACTIVITY teach me?

1. Listen to yr fuckin' girlfriend when she says she wants to call in a demonologist. It ain't no fuckin' joke, yo.

2. Don't be a tough guy and think you can scare a demon. Seriously, how dumb are you?

3. This couple was already on the downhill slide, anyway. I mean, what, over a 3 or 4week span they didn't knock boots once? Yeah, they were already headed for trouble before the demon haunting with all the thuds and swooshes and whispers and whatnot.

4. San Diego is haunted and it's still boring as shit.

and, 5. If yr girlfriend is haunted, dump her ass, like, pronto.

THE END

Okay, PARANORMAL ACTIVITY, you had me going for 70 out of yr 94minutes, but you had a terrible ending, which cost you one coveted BLEEDING EYEBALL, and so I award you:

3 out of 5 BLEEDING EYEBALLS!

Windows

OCTOBER-MOVIE MOVIE REVIEWS!!!

ANTICHRIST

Okay, this is, in NO WAY, an October-movie movie. This was some crazy, fucked up art flick with actual x-rated moments and plenty of reasons to not look at the screen. So, I won't be reviewing this, as it doesn't fit the criteria! Watch this movie at yr own risk.

OCTOBER-MOVIE MOVIE REVIEWS!!!

ZOMBIELAND

(I know this doesn't exactly fit in, but any movie with zombies is, by definition, an October-movie movie.)

ZOMBIELAND wants to be a bunch of things. Specifically, these 4things:

-A comedy.

-A horror movie.

-A teen flick.

-An instant cult classic.

Now, I heard the reviews, many of them very very positive. And given the lackluster, unfunny and mostly predictable trailers that were aired for ZOMBIELAND, I just didn't get it. And after watching the movie, I still don't get it.

Throughout the movie, the main character, Columbus (nudge nudge), narrates the movie in one of the most monotone and boring deliveries ever. I mean, he sounds really bored himself, starting the movie with, "Oh, America..." Boooo...

Obviously, the writer of Zombieland wanted to make a movie with some depth, some value, and some meaning, while still being entertaining. But the transparency of trying too hard really turns me off. It's not completely genuine.

Basically, there's nothing surprising about this movie. All the way to the "let's-make-this-an-instant-cult-classic-movie" scene when the four characters crash Bill Murray's house, find out he's still living there, and then, of all things, smoke a bowl with him. Yeah, pot-smoking, with an unlikely character, in an unlikely situation. How surprising! How quirky! How totally offbeat! How lame!

Anyway, apparently thinking about this movie is making me more agitated than watching it. Basically, the movie is predictable and cliched, and there isn't one true LOL moment in the whole thing.

But, turns out, this movie really was just a teen flick. And, another transparency that kind of got me, was that they obviously wanted Michael Cera for the flick, and had to settle for his much less charismatic understudy, Jesse Eisenberg. As well, the main female actor, Emma Stone, really is a poor-man's (poor-woman's?) Lindsay Lohan.

However, I did kind of like Woody Harrelson. And while the movie was essentially standard, average, cliched, trying too hard, and predictable, it was also very watchable.

Things ZOMBIELAND opened my eyes to:

1. Anyone can write a zombie flick, and it'll probably still be fairly entertaining.

2. If yr a big dork with no charm and no chance with the ladies you might actually get the girl so long as yr one of the last guys on the planet-- despite how many times you were told, "I wouldn't go out with you if you were the last guy on earth!" Apparently, when a girl says that, she's not really "thinking ahead".

3. Um, that's about it. I guess I didn't learn much from ZOMBIELAND.

oh, and, 4. If there's an outbreak of some terrible disease that turns all of America into a land of the walking dead, the rest of the planet is not going to show up to help. True dat.

THE END

Now, here's the tough part. I already gave movies like ORPHAN and DRAG ME TO HELL 3 bleeding eyeballs... ORPHAN was probably the best of the 3, but I can't really give ZOMBIELAND a 2... eh, fuck it. ZOMBIELAND, I award thee:

3 out of 5 BLEEDING EYEBALLS!

ADDENDUM

I fixed what was causing the discrepancy, and took 1bleeding eyeball away from DRAG ME TO HELL. Now the BLEEDING EYEBALL rating system has its integrity back. Huzzah.

OCTOBER-MOVIE MOVIE REVIEWS!!!

DRAG ME TO HELL

This movie felt like a short story turned into a movie. A really short story. Like, maybe a one or two page story, max. Stretched out into an entire movie. A whole 90minutes spent on a two page story. Seriously. WTF? After watching it I felt it was about as good (and bad) as all those Saturday Night Live movies based on a skit. This movie is the goofy horror equivalent of NIGHT AT THE ROXBURY. There's just not enough meat there.

However, while it may be without any real substance, it offers up plenty of popcorn moments and yr usual goofy retarded demons that Raimi loves so much. And Alison Lohman is totally adorable. Even if she kills her cat.

The entire movie was made worth it, tho, by one line. A line delivered by the movie's main demon after she spits out the dead cat and screams, "I don't want yr cat, you dirty Pork Queen!"

I have no idea where the hell that came from, but it was absolutely perfect.

Things I learned from DRAG ME TO HELL:

1. Old ladies are creepy.

2. Foreigners are inherently evil and will put a curse on you for just doing yr job.

3. Foreigners are also cheap and will only be happy if they can cheat the system.

4. When trying to get rid of an item to remove the curse put on you, be sure to check the item yr getting rid of is the actual item you need to get rid of.

5. No matter what you do to old ladies, if you kill yr cat, yr definitely going to hell.

6. Don't be such a ladder climber.

and, 7. The term, "dirty pork queen," which I will never forget and hope to someday have a reason to use.

THE END

And so, DRAG ME TO HELL, you were a fast, shallow, but kind of fun and empty popcorn movie with a cutie-pie lead actress and one really terrific line. So I award you:

3 out of 5 BLEEDING EYEBALLS!

NEVERMIND, I TAKE IT BACK!

2 out of 5 BLEEDING EYEBALLS!

I Live Here

I took a stroll today, and brought my camera. This place is fucking gorgeous (click on any picture to enlarge it).

This is my El train stop. And, yes, that's right-- that *is* 7-11 on the left.

Here's one just in case you forgot where I live now.

Some shitty band used these as their album cover.

One of my favorite things about this city is that a river runs thru it.

At some point I plan on doing all the touristy shit like taking a boat down the river.

I don't know who these guys are. I think Columbus discovered Chicago, or something.

And this guy, Irv, he's welcoming me to Chicago.

This is the Trump Tower (or building, can't recall). It's impossible to get the whole thing in frame.

The silver kidney bean.

Me in the bean.

The Gehry building.

At the lake.

I think this is Grant Park.

The MARRIED WITH CHILDREN fountain was, unfortunately, dried up.

The Chicago Public Library. I love this place.

The Chicago Board of Trade.

This is the bat that attached itself to the right of my building's front door. He's been there for 3 or more days now, and hasn't moved.

OCTOBER-MOVIE MOVIE REVIEWS!!!

Alright, despite the fact that it may *seem* like I have nothing but time on my hands, unfortunately I am not finding enough time to watch October-movie movies. But I was good last night, stayed in, watched baseball, drank diet Wild Cherry Pepsi, fought the urge to watch Gossip Girl, and watched ORPHAN, instead.

I kind of had to watch it because I had already heard about the twist ending, and it just sounded too ridiculous to be true. And I will reveal that twist later. So, if for some reason you've just been dying to see this movie but have been putting it off, you should stop reading now. But that would be fucking weird. I mean, who was dying to see this movie? No one. That's who.

Okay, so, here we go. Things the movie, ORPHAN, taught me:

1. If you have no mommy and daddy, yr probably a really evil, torturous, crazy, murdering mastermind. And a real bitch, to boot.

2. If yr a midget with a hormonal disease, you'll probably lose yr mind.

3. If you don't listen to, and trust, yr wife, yr probably going to be killed by a murderous little midget pretending to be a 9year-old little orphan girl. She'll probably stab you in the heart about 20times after she tries to, creepily, seduce you.

Oh, and, 4: Adoption is probably not a good idea.

I think I may have given away the twist there, already. So be it. That said, the movie wasn't that bad, really. Some of the shit is really fucked up. And it's well acted, surprisingly. It's just the premise that's ridiculous.

THE END

And so, ORPHAN, I award you:

3 out of 5 BLEEDING EYEBALLS!

I Almost Forgot

Holy shit, with all the excitement of the past few monts-- i.e., losing my job, hiding out in Washington state, and then hopping a train to Chicago --I almost completely lost track of time. And now it's October, my favorite month, and it's nearly half over already. And you know what that means? That means I must get a-hoppin' and a-watchin' a bunch of horror flicks so I can bring you my annual "October-Movie Movie Reviews!!!" For now, anyway, catching up on Gossip Girl will just have to wait, I guess.

As always, I'm open to suggestions. Just no torture porn flicks like SAW and HOSTEL. I fucking hate that garbage.

And just for fun, here's a few Halloween lines from my book, THE SINGERS:

Smash a pumpkin on my front lawn and call in a haunting. It’s All Saints Eve.

It’s Halloween. It’s candy teeth and monkeying, and wolves all let out.

Windows burn in jack-o-lantern lighting. Children embrace the fall of Heaven.

The star Lucifer diffused, let loose, let fall from the edge over, to here.

What some call purgatory, but not all. There’s baseball, after all. And ghosts

to keep things interesting. Biting off your ear when you don’t listen.

SO LISTEN!

First Celebrity Sighting in Chicago

My Book Gets Reviewed

Jeffrey Cyphers Wright reviews THE SINGERS & THE NOTES in The Brooklyn Rail!

PS

It's the 3rd one down.

Things I Have Done in the Past Two Weeks

1. Took Amtrak from Seattle to Chicago. It was only a 45hour trip!

2. Lost my debit card on Amtrak the day of arrival. I've become a master at the lost art of check writing.

3. Rode the El for the first time. Lucky for me it was rush hour and I got to know the locals really well while trying to keep hold of all my luggage.

4. Walked ALL OVER downtown and decided I most definitely like it here.

5. Bought a nice big TV for watching the Bears and Blackhawks games.

6. Went to my first Cubs game. There was a nice big beam right in front of the seats. I could see the pitcher, and the batter, but not the actual pitch. It was rained out by the 3rd inning.

7. Drank all over Wrigleyville in their expensive-ass bars.

8. Sprained both feet and my left knee. Still recovering.

9. House party somewhere way out west in the boonies. After much sugary sangria and too many tequila shots, I apparently tried some aerial acrobatics on the walk home. It didn't end well. Much blood on the hands. Also, for some reason, I flashed people my hairy chest at the party. I don't remember doing that.

10. Brandon Brown's reading at Judith Goldman's house! Brandon, as usual, was in tip top shape and he brought the mofucking house down. He read his "translations" of Catullus and everyone laughed, cried, and cheered alike. Talked to a handful of Bay Area folk that now live out here. Met some cool people. Got drinks at a bar down the street afterward. Thinking I may start frequenting poetry readings again after a very long time of abstaining.

11. Daytime drinks with BB in Wrigleyville before he left to catch his plane. Then later, meeting up with Michael Slosek and the House Press kids in Logan Square. Drinks at some metal bar that I found kind of annoying. It was overcrowded, and loud, of course. But the beer was good. Then drinks somewhere else in Logan Square. Then I was abandoned and left to drink by myself in the middle of nowhere. Managed to find my way back, just the same. And without any aerial stunts attempted.

12. Bought my first actual grown-up bed. No more futons. No more aching backs.

13. Started the blog back up, but not sure I'm really feeling it yet.

Reasons Why Getting Laid Off May Have Been the Best Thing to Ever Happen to Me

This is Logan Version 2.0. I'm going to be more positive, more productive, more friendly, more outgoing, and 10 times as successful. And I'm going to write more lists than ever before! So, here we go. Let's get this mofucking show on the road.

1. While being let go from my job put a major crimp in my whole "career path" thing, I was generously compensated for by the state of CA.

2. This compensation allowed me to finally make the big move that I've been thinking about for a very long time. And now I live in the kind of place I've really wanted to.

3. This compensation has also allowed me to acquire *things* to decorate the life of Logan Version 2.0. For the first time in my adult life I finally have a real grown-up bed. No more futons for me! Futons shall be left in the past to burn in hell!!!

4. I'm currently on one of the longest "vacations" of my life.

5. I got to spend 2months with my pops over in WA, watching soccer, baseball and rugby, while drinking copious amounts of IPA, whiskey, and Red Diamond wine (which I highly recommend). My pops also cooked good stuff up every day. I'm lucky I didn't turn in a complete fat ass piece of shit. Considering I just sat on my ass for those two months, I have to say I'm pretty impressed with my magnificent metabolism.

6. There are tons of beautiful girls here. And since, really, girls are the main thing my life revolves around, that's a very significant aspect, and so my life feels more full.

That's all I got for now. Man, blogging sober is hard!

INITIAL REASONS I LOVE CHICAGO

1. People are nice. Like, really. Just as a small example-- I lost my debit card on the train here, so I've had to write checks for almost everything so far. When the person takes my check and ID, they see I'm from CA and ask friendly questions, and when they find out I've just moved here to Chicago they make some warm remark and welcome me.

2. Downtown is fucking GORGEOUS. The buildings, the history, the extraordinary magnitude of the place, as well as things like Millennium Park, are more than impressionable. I mean, the fact that there are regular free concerts that take place in front of this Frank Gehry structure is awesome:
The photo (which ain't mine) doesn't do it justice, but you get my drift. I mean, within this magnificent environment, at one recent point, Radiohead gave a free concert. I mean, fuck to the fuckin' yeah.

But, I am a man that likes manmade things/ environments. That means I love big cities full of gigantic buildings and things like the above pic. But, again, within this photo you can't really get the scope of the park, or the view behind it/ around it. Seriously remarkable.

3. When I walk down the street, or I'm on the El, I see beautiful women everywhere. EVERYWHERE. Christ, they just grow out of the concrete here. And when I see these beautiful women I actually get eye-contact and a nice smile to go along with it... that is, instead of the "why the fuck are you even alive" look I'm used to getting back West. And, listen, before you, my West Coast friends, try to deny this, just don't. Please, really. I'm not making this shit up.

4. There seems to be tons of stuff going on 24/ 7. And there are tons of free events to take place in. Not to be cliched or anything, but I'm really looking forward to the Chicago Marathon on Sunday, and then the Thanksgiving Day Parade. And this is the fall/ winter. From what I hear, things really start rolling in the summer.

5. This is a sports town. Fuck yeah.

6. Everyone loves to complain about their local transit system. People in Chicago have problems with CTA. They, apparently, don't regularly deal with MUNI and the 45minute to 90minute waits, or the fact that BART shuts down at midnight. God bless. And much of the transit here runs 24hours.

7. Places don't close down at 10pm.

8. This city is clean.

9. About a billion less panhandlers.

10. Cost of living is affordable.

11. The beautiful tree-lined streets and residential buildings.

12. A ridiculous amount of beautiful women (did I mention that already?).

___________________________________________________

Can't think of anything else. Once I deal with the winter here, I will have a "What's Wrong With Chicago" post. But that's lame. Weather... come on, you just get used to it. Just like I got used to 60degrees everyday back West.

And before you argue that point, tell me how nearly 5million people live here if getting used to the weather isn't a fact.

Exactly.

Alright, that is all for now.

Just be aware that the floodgates are open and I, now, may just say any goddamned thing that comes to my mind.

THE FLOODGATES ARE OPEN!!!!

THEY'RE OPEN!!!!

SECOND CHICAGO ENTRY

Okay, first, yes, I am re-introducing myself to the masses (you, my beloved fans), and I would like to let you know that I like writing 'OK' as 'okay'. So, get used to it, okay?

You were warned this would be pointless. You reap what you reward.

Or something...

So, yes, ahem...

My initial departure from San Francisco (my home of much of the last 11years) began when I found out I was being let go from my state job (cough cough). Oddly enough, I had been having conversations with friends about my desire to once again attempt an escape from San Francisco and the West Coast just shortly before being informed I was being laid off. --For you fans not all the way caught up on my extraordinarily interesting life, and wicked adventures-- I had already tried to escape, but chose Boulder, CO, as my initial jumping off point (back in 2005) for going further east, and that worked out like many first attempts work out. A failure. You leave something initially and you freak out and you return to it as soon as you can.

Of course, when I went back to San Francisco from Boulder I did it (mostly) for a girl. A beautiful redheaded girl. Which is weird. Considering I'm also a redhead. We don't usually hook up, us redheads. But she was special, and so were my friends, who I missed a whole lot. So I went back to San Francisco. And I'm grateful I did. Because the time wasn't right to leave.

Getting back to SF after my initial move, the time I had with my friends and the beautiful redhead (is that getting funny yet?) were well worth it. I'm grateful, and I wouldn't change my mind back then if I had had the chance, or the choice (poverty, ironically, also took me back to SF at the time, instead of moving further east as I had planned).

That said, being here, now, in Chicago, I have to wonder why I wasn't always living here. Yes, this is still new, but I feel a real instant connection, a certain sense of HOME that I haven't felt anywhere. I know that when I first moved to San Francisco (just out of junior college) I never really thought, 'Oh, holy shit, I love this place!' As well, that didn't happen in Boulder. However, in Chicago, I'm having that to the Nth degree. It's more vulgar. It's more like, "Jesus Fucking H Mother Fucking Christ, why didn't I move here when I was TWO! I motherfucking love this place! Holy mofucking shit!"

But that's just me.

And, of course, I recognize that that's just me right now. But that's something I haven't felt about a PLACE, ever. Places have always been just a rest station. Something I shouldn't expect to love or want to stay in. Which might have something to do with the shitty places I grew up, which were Sacramento, Crescent City, and Brawley-- all in California.

By the way, you, dear reader, sweet fan o' mine, you should also know that from now on I'm a mofucking open book, and you are, endless void of internet, my analyst. Thank you.

Anyway, I always had a weird reaction to friends of mine that had an actual pride in place-- but now I might be in a position to understand. Not absolutely sure, yet, of course. But maybe.

I'll try to illustrate my newfound pride in place later. Maybe even tonight... as long as the bottles of wine don't go dry.

AND I'M BACK!

Greetings from Chicago, Illinois!

Aren't you, the deep, dark, cold abyss of the internet, glad to have me back? Well, I have to say, I'm super fucking glad to be back. You see, communication is very important to me. Surely you've noticed, when I've been around you, how I just can't shut up. Surely you've noticed that. That's because I've got questions to ask, answers to give, and people to please. Because, really, when it comes down to it, I'm a people pleaser, and a really, gosh darned-it honest-to-goodness people person. Yessir. I love people.

So that's why I'm back. Here. On the fucking internet. Writing gibberish and shit that no one should bother reading.

DISCLAIMER: No matter how goodlooking, charming, interesting, famous, talented, accomplished, and mysterious I am, there is no good-goddamned reason to read this blog. Seriously, no matter what I write here, don't bother reading it.

SECOND DISCLAIMER: After saying that, don't be the douchebag that reads my entries and then feels the need to leave a comment saying how pointless my blog is. ONE, if you do so I may find you and shove yr fucking computer down yr throat. TWO, all blogs are pointless, so yr mentioning the pointlessness of my blog is even more pointless, and thus TWICE as aggravating as I could ever be. And you deserve to have the shit kicked out of you. Or hugged to death. One or the other.

THE END

...thus begins new entries for yr time-wasting endeavors.

"Is a dream a lie
if it don't come true
or is it
something worse?"

R.I.P.

Robin Blaser

May 18 1925 - May 7 2009

Manny Ramirez has been suspended FIFTY games for testing positive for performance enhancing drugs! Fuck you Dodgers! Ha! Now here's the Giants' chance to get their shit together and take over the NL West.

Man, can you imagine signing a guy to 2year, 45 million dollar contract, and just when yr beginning to run away with the division that uber-expensive player has to sit out 50 games? Holy shit, I'm glad the Giants were never serious about signing this douchebag.

Thus begins the Dodgers downfall of '09! Without Manny in their lineup, the whole chemistry of that offense changes. 

GO GIANTS!!!

ADDENDUM

Apparently ManRam was busted for taking a sexual performance enhancement drug (not Viagara, but probably something similar). If I'm a Dodger fan I'm calling bullshit on this. But, the fact remains, the ball player and his doctor are responsible for knowing what substances they are not allowed to take. And I can only assume a drug like the one Manny took is banned because it shows up in a drug test similar to steroids or HGH-- that MLB banned this substance to be sure they can read these drug tests more clearly. Still, it is bullshit. However, it's good for the Giants. Fortunately all the guys on the Giants don't have a hard time getting it up!

ADDENDUM II

ESPN's T.J. Quinn and Mark Fainaru-Wada say the drug was hCG - "a women's fertility drug typically used by steroid users to restart their body's natural testosterone production as they come off a steroid cycle. It is similar to Clomid, the drug Bonds, Giambi and others used as clients of BALCO."

Well, there you have it. It wasn't Viagara or Cialis or whatever. He was just straight up cheating!

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When I am eating something that I really like, I've realized that my brain pretty much just shuts off and the only thought going thru my head is, "Mmmm, that's good," or "Oh, man, that's good," or, "Hey, that's really good," or, "Oh, that's so good," and I basically keep repeating it over and over while eating until I realize there's only one strain of thought repeating itself. And then I stop. But then I take another bite and I think, "Oh, but that is really good."

Am I the only one that this happens to?

ANTICHRIST the movie